Posts tagged ‘trash’

Trash Your Space

hunk of space junk in your trunk

When faced with the idea that the world is going to end, most of us look to scientists and other experts to make sure the world gets its thing together. However, when faced with a class titled Intro to Environmental Science, you are sometimes questioned about what your own personal solution to a given problem would be. Consider the current trash problem and the fact that we need a place that will never be too small for our ever-growing waste. My perfect solution is a giant tube that would vacuum the trash and propel it out into space. We already have significant amounts of wasted satellites orbiting the earth. We have a fancy name for this kind of trash, and it’s called space junk.

Suppose: once in a while, you’re on your farm late at night. Your old collie is wrapped up on the woven rug in the living room, and your old biddy wife has fallen asleep in her chair with the late night talk shows still playing. You decide to soak up some late night country air, light up a smoke, and as you exhale, you notice a giant burning ball haulin’ ass across the sky like fat people hearing news that Wendy’s is giving away Frosties. Upon inspecting your acre of ruined crops due to the fire ball skidding across them, you observe that this is a giant piece of metal, and that your hopes of finding Superman inside an alien meteor are probably not going to come true in this lifetime. The sticker on it says something in some language you can’t read, and you call the sheriff.

Now, as we all know, this type of shit only happens in Kansas, if it really happens at all. Sure, that astronaut’s tool belt went flying across England, but since the surface of the earth is 75% water, our chances of having actual damage from space junk is minimal. So let’s develop a world wide vacuum that will launch our refuse to places more like Venus, where it will burn up before getting anywhere near the surface due to terribly noxious gases. No one has to deal with the consequences. You’re saying to yourself, wow, this sounds like a really great idea, you must have done really well in the class. On the contrary. I neglected to mention this was an art school where people were all “That’s just as bad as putting the trash in the earth, because it defiles the integrity of the space beauty.” Let me tell you something about space beauty. Space beauty is a lot like art school student beauty. The darker it gets, the more it resembles space’s infinite black expanses, and the darker it is in the bedroom, the more attractive the art student is. Did they have any suggestions for solutions to the problem? No, of course not. Everyone’s a critic.

-posted by samsquared


December 10, 2008 at 5:59 PM Leave a comment