Posts tagged ‘Segway’

What time is it?

I’ve already gotten used to the idea my blog might cause some ruckus amongst my friends. Either because they sincerely disagree, think I am being too much of an ignoramus, or just to play Devil’s advocate. Recently, I noted people get very heated over Kevin Smith movies. Mostly because I refuse to acknowledge that Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back is crap. I believe that the part in the end in which they attend a Morris Day &  the Time concert in which everyone is dancing to Jungle Love really embodies everything life should be, could be and more. And thus, makes up for the crap that may or may not precede it. I wish life was more like Morris Day & the Time.

yes, more key-tars! more gold suits! MORE DANCING!

yes, more key-tars! more gold suits! MORE DANCING!

So this past weekend, we watched Purple Rain for Valentine’s Day. Who could ask for a better date than a date with Prince and Appolonia. I’m not going to discuss the details of the movie, most of you are already familiar with it. However, what’s important here is the movie trailer included with the DVD of Purple Rain, Graffiti Bridge. Here, enlighten yourself.

My favorite part about not having seen Graffiti Bridge yet, is that I can read the Netflix user comments and half care. One user said Prince must have been using the same stylist as Michael Jackson at this time, and I laughed, and agreed. Nothing like some sexy pasty men who know how to use a hair straightener. Oh wait, those are emo kids.

sorry to frighten you all

sorry to frighten you all

he's thinking he went wrong here, he's right

he's thinking he went wrong here, he's right

There’s really not much Prince has done wrong in his life. So I can excuse him for the bad hair, and other bad decisions probably involved in this movie. Some who find themselves jealous question his sexuality, but that’s okay, but Prince definitely knows he likes women and gets plenty of them, so this is a non-issue. Prince still rules, and always will. If you are unsure of that, there’s always this, (and thanks to Steve for sending this over):

you want some segway, bitches?

you want some segway, bitches?

Even in frilly shirts, velvet pants, and high heels, he’ll kick your ass.

-posted by samsquared

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February 17, 2009 at 6:47 PM Leave a comment

Moobies!

Mooby

Mooby

I haven’t been the only person to notice that the movies out in theatres leave a lot to be desired. For example, better movies. Now, I don’t consider the limited release award winning movies playing at selected theatres part of the crud that is out there. I also don’t usually get all huffy about what movie is number one from week to week. The last movie I remember noting for it’s box office returns was Madagascar 2. If you weren’t excited for this movie to come out along with the rest of America: number 1, you aren’t American, and number 2, you clearly haven’t seen this!

And I enjoyed this for a year or so, before realizing the pure genius behind this character is none other than Sasha Baron Cohen. I could care less about Borat, and the success of that movie. However, at least it was entertaining, which brings me back to the point of this post. Paul Blart, Mall Cop?!?!??!? If someone understands why this has been wildly popular, enough to be more successful than Clint Eastwood’s last appearance on the big screen ever, I would love to be enlightened.

When first viewing the terrible trailer for Paul Blart, I was taken back to another time in my life. A time when I was more like Paul Blart, I worked at a mall. I actually was more experienced than Paul Blart, as I worked at two different malls. The second mall used to be the largest mall in America, before the Mall of America was built in Minnesota, the King of Prussia Mall in Pennsylvnia. If that sounds rich to you, it’s because most of the people who shop there are, terribly rich that is. This is a fancy mall, with fancy stores, jewelry stores that are only open by appointment. Stores with doorbells. While, we’re dropping the Minnesota references: you should be familiar with doorbell stores from Mighty Ducks 2. (see 6:00 minutes in)

One day while walking through the mall, on an average day to work, a large shadow silenty flew past me. By the time I gathered my senses, I realized that it was a mall-cop (or mall security guard, I think mall-cop has a more negative connotation). Not just any mall-cop, but one that was speeded along by his use of a Segway. Yes, Segways are quite hysterical. I’ve even noticed Police pimping out Segways Xhibit style for patrolling use, too. How are these going to help you patrol? Will they help you catch thieves? Obviously not, the Segway Security was unable to catch a man who ran out of the mall with a ring worth $300,000.

If you ever have several hours to waste, I highly recommend wasting them on the hours of footage YouTube provides on the subject of Segway crashes. I mostly have the ingenious (but sadly canceled) show of Arrested Development to thank for introducing me to the stupidity of technology known as Segways, and how to laugh at it. Upon viewing the garbage of a trailer, showing Paul Blart maneuvering on a Segway, I was unconvinced that this was comedy. But why? So many possibilities! Let me tell you.

Harry Potter rip-off Blart

Harry Potter rip-off Blart

I had been able to keep Kevin James out of my thought process up until this point in my life. Suddenly I saw this comedian, enjoying his mild popularity and celebrity, using his success funds to spend a Saturday shopping in a mall. He must have had a stroke of genius when he noticed the mall-cops riding their Segways, and decided it would make an excellent comedic film. I would love to be able to say that he was wrong, and that this was a terrible failure. I would  love to suggest that this was an awful idea! I can’t though, you know why? Because that movie made almost 40 million dollars its opening weekend. What?!?! I can’t believe this junk is a hit. There are funny stories and happenings at the mall, I would know from experience. Mall-cops are not one of these things, even if they are riding Segways. Not to mention, Mall Rats could never be outdone. Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

With the exception of Gran Torino, lets take a look at the other garbage currently in the movies. We have the Notorious movie, which caused multiple incidents of violence at several theatre locations over the weekend. We additionally have My Bloody Valentine, no, not the excellent band of the same name, but some shiteous horror movie. It has been suggested that because these movies were both rated R, and that the under 17 have nothing better to do on the weekend, the teenagers paid to see Paul Blart this weekend, but probably just snuck into these movies. Yes, these movies suck too, but I would see either of these over experiencing the pain of a movie based on mall-cops, or watching a movie with Kevin James. Russ said that he doesn’t mind Kevin James’ stand-up. Enjoy Kevin James then, you and the rest of whoever is watching that crap. I’ll save myself for Daniel Craig movies, at least he’s worth looking at, even if the movie turns out bad. Oh, and Harry Potter.

-posted by samsquared

January 22, 2009 at 5:00 AM 1 comment


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