Posts tagged ‘David Bowie’

Crazy Affirmation: Animal Conversations


Sadly, I didn’t receive any requests for me to affirm anything for anyone this week. I would just like to say congratulations to all of you, for being so self-affirming. I’m proud of you. But the weekly post must be posted weekly, and so we press on. This week, I am going to address the phenomena of people who talk to animals. Those who are animaphonic (capable of speaking to animals) are a strange and mixed group.

Exhibit A:

I may or may not have view Dunston Checks In this week.  My point here is this. Some times talking to animals (usually monkeys who are robbers) can be hilarious. There are a slew of monkey movies out there that follow this framework, namely Monkey Trouble with a young, boyish Thora Birch and some more obscure movies like Funky Monkey, MVP: Most Valuable Primate, and MXP: Most Extreme Primate.

Exhibit B:

On the other hand, most people who talk to animals are a few marbles short, and you probably want to stay away. I also may or may not have seen a portion of a made for TV movie about Oliver Twist.Since most of you probably aren’t familiar with this version of Oliver Twist, in which a character named Fagin speaks to a crow in his rafters. He’s exceedingly creepy, and to drive the creepiness home, here’s a picture of Timothy Spall as Fagin in this movie. You may have seen him in Harry Potter: Prisoner of Azkaban, Lemony Snickets, or Sweeny Todd being additionally creepy.

Timothy Spall is a professional creeper

Timothy Spall is a professional creeper

Exhibit C:

We also have the Wicked Witch of the West.Now this woman had all kinds of issues.  She may have spoke with monkeys, but they were flying monkeys.

everyone seems to be enjoying themselves here

everyone seems to be enjoying themselves here

If you haven’t at one point in your life wished for a legion of flying monkeys to do your bidding, you’re doing it all wrong. This is where the talking to monkeys thing stops being funny, and starts being freaky and sort of awesome. But I guess dressing in black and having green face doesn’t really get you too far, might as well embrace it.

Exhibit D:

Then we have the case of Alice in Wonderland. Ah yes, Wonderland. I still want to go here, and if talking to a OCD white rabbit with severe concerns about being punctual takes me there, I’ll talk to him. I’ll even sing him a song and dance. That is clearly the correct hole to fall down, even for all the troubles it causes her. Alice is simply one of those characters in a story who doesn’t understand how to make the best of a poor situation.

running so late, he forgot his pants

running so late, he forgot his pants

This goes for characters like Sara in the Labyrinth as well. Marry David Bowie, and his purple package. I don’t see the downside in the situation. He clearly states, “Forget about the baby.”  Win, win.

Okay. With all the evidence before us, I feel it’s safe to make our affirmation. I would like to affirm that its pefectly acceptable to talk with animals under a few conditions. It can be that it is hilarious. Its always good to do things for a laugh. It’s also acceptable if the animals understand you and do your bidding. Lastly, I find it acceptable to talk to the animals if it is going to be beneficial to you. (i.e. becoming Goblin Queen/wife of David Bowie) Never fail to be an oppourtunist. The only way talking to animals isn’t okay is if you are really crazy and creepy, or if someone is going to see you doing this and have you comitted. Now go make some friends, I’m sure there’s some pigeons or squirrels near by.

-posted by samsquared

February 19, 2009 at 9:14 PM 1 comment