Posts filed under ‘Uncategorized’

Affirmation Station: Vampire Liars

mmm, blood and glitter

mmm, blood and glitter and man rings

As promised, I will do my best to affirm things for the readers out there. (I know, I’m almost as surprised as you are that we have readers!) Moving on, my friend Tony asked me to speak on the subject of those pretending to be Vampires. Ah yes, less known about than the Fury community, we’ll call this group the Fampires. (Fake Vampires)

I can has silly hat?

I can has silly hat?

If you would like to see these idiots in their natural habitat, may I make some recommendations? Travel to the dirtiest, trashiest mall in the area, but they should have a Hot Topic. This is like the corner bodega to the Fampires, if a facial piercing falls out, they’ll need a replacement pretty quickly. They can also access the freshest black t-shirts with bad graphics and hair dye. It’s a one stop shop for these losers. Also, the glass they use on the skylights in malls is sealed with a special magic, that allows these fake vampires to not be burned by the sun. Now don’t piss them off, its well known that these fake vampires also have spirit familiars. Oh, not familiar with the spirit familiar? Think of the hardest, most gothic animal you can think of. That’s your spirit animal, and it follows you and does your bidding. Fampires love to have wolf familiars, they will talk about what this made up creature has been doing all day and compare notes.

Now, people pretending to be vampires have existed for quite some time. I’ve known about them since I was 13, which is a prime age to find yourself hanging out at the mall and learning about those who are dedicated to being a vampire. Part of the problem is that these people think vampires actually exist. Seriously? Well, these people didn’t get the memo, they do not exist.

why am I famous?

how can I look more like a Vampire?

And now we have this Twilight crap, which I’m pretty sure is a Harry Potter-like craze, only Harry Potter went blond and started sucking everyone’s blood. This is going to make Fampires all the more abundant. I mean, everyone loves giving hickies in high school, so I can sort of see the allure. However, pretending to be a vampire is not a solid move. You know why? Because it’s pretend! You are not actually a vampire, you will not live forever, and you can’t convince me that you drink blood for kicks. Besides, being pale is not that cool, I should know, I’m a real day-walker.

must have: myspace fang shot

must have: myspace fang shot

So do us all a favor, turn off the shitty gothic music,  take out the platic teeth, and take off the damn make-up. Fampires equalling the suck: affirmed.

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March 26, 2009 at 6:29 PM 1 comment

Chick Lit

photo provided by Studio 34 on Flickr

photo provided by Studio 34 on Flickr

I was riding the trolley the other day. I like riding the trolley despite how it barely moves along the roads (and how SEPTA barely moves you anywhere). I like it for the fact that it looks like what they thought space ships and modern travel looked like in 1970.  One thing that is hard not to notice while riding the trolley or the train, is that when it is dark or you are in the tunnel systems, you have a mirror reflection of yourself in the windows. Most vain riders really enjoy checking themselves out a few more times before exiting the vehicle. I don’t mind this, I find it quite entertaining to see what kind of faces people make at themselves. However, everything in moderation, grasshopper.

This girl gets on the trolley. She had heels, dress pants, and a suit jacket. I’m very enthusiastic that’s not me. She has her pink fingernails wedged in a book, holding her place, and she sits in front of me. Now, being the bookworm I so unfortunately am, not to mention, the Curious George of everything, I had to know what she was reading. Once I saw the abstract pattern of soft purples, yellows, and muted greens, with a pink handwritten font title of  “Unleashed…” something or other, I knew it had to be Chick Lit. The genre of writing I believe I hate more than the entire Manga genre and it’s atrocious section of Barnes & Noble. I despise the phrase so much, I will now refer to it as wastesofpaper, since that’s what they are.

At first, this all made sense to me. Yes, she wears heels every day at 8:20 am, of course she would be into that crud they call literature. Yes, her hair is curled, but it looks rather nappy, a bird’s nest piled on top of her head. I’m not saying I have a great head of hair at all times, but I don’t think that my hair is great, and I certainly don’t tossel it into different abstract piles while checking myself out. This, as you can see, is when I started getting annoyed.

The most popular female literature going on in modern times is these wastesofpaper. Adorned with pearls and pink sunglasses, holding martinis, and wearing every color of pumps on it’s covers, it has ever growing popularity. We can trace it’s origins back to the popularity of Sex & the City. Now, people can be into this, that’s their choice. I certainly don’t mind. What I do mind is how hard it is to think of a great female novel, enjoyed by both sexes. (That given, all Jane Austen books are thus null and void)

Ahab kills whales, Chicks go shopping

Ahab kills whales, Chicks go shopping

We have greats characters like Tom Sawyer, Holden Caulfield, and Captain Ahab, all created by male authors. There are so many striking stories that changed our lives, but home many of those stories were told through the eyes of a male? I now feel a duty to begin a novel that has a female protagonist, and will be read my males and females alike. I just don’t want the future looking back on my generation’s literary interests to say “Oh yeah, the girls were really into Chick Lit.” Because I’m not.

December 12, 2008 at 7:09 PM 2 comments

A Survival Guide for the Great Depression, Part Two

depression1

If you yourself haven’t yet lost your job, you have a 1 in 6 chance that you still could. The current unemployment rate is just 6.7 and during the Great Depression, it was 25% at it’s highest. Well, I have a low wage paying job in this time, so the money I don’t have, I wouldn’t spend anyway, because I don’t have it. If you’re like me, you are looking for the next wave in entrepreneurial motivation, a new way to make money during these hard times. I’ve looked at the first Depression for some ways to make money during these hard times:

Shantytowns. Oh yes, America’s next wave in suburbanism. You could either start your own contractor business, to construct shanties from various materials like crates, boxes, cardboard, metal scraps and whatever else your friendly urban landfill has to offer. If you don’t like that idea, say you’ve got baby’s hands, perhaps you could have someone build you a lovely Shanty town of your own and have a fancy name like “Holly Forest”. Then, with all the people forced to leave their foreclosed homes, you could offer them a new residential development, located right in the center of town. Your chicken wire fence allows for a safe-guarded community where only residents are allowed access. (You’ve hooked a car battery to the fence, security system armed!)

You could also start your own box car gang. Yes, our favorite youth novel characters, the Box Car Children, are based off depression youths who rode train lines from town to town in order to find work. No, not crust punks. You may want to sharpen your knives and brush up on basic knife fighting skills, as hobos have staked claim on most rail lines. They also probably already are missing most of their teeth, and have no fear in derailing you. A bookstore clerk informed me that the Box Car Children are still a popular series for youngsters, I recommend starting a youth army before getting involved. As we all know, children are the scariest humans alive.

If you have a little money put aside, you could start a clinic or begin a birth control pharmacy. Everyone knows babies are expensive and will not want to have any. More so than the babies they aren’t already having. And I’m not talking about this either.

You could just go out and make a blog, then walk around with a classified ad on your person.. like this guy.

-posted by samsquared

December 11, 2008 at 10:44 PM Leave a comment

Trash Your Space

hunk of space junk in your trunk

When faced with the idea that the world is going to end, most of us look to scientists and other experts to make sure the world gets its thing together. However, when faced with a class titled Intro to Environmental Science, you are sometimes questioned about what your own personal solution to a given problem would be. Consider the current trash problem and the fact that we need a place that will never be too small for our ever-growing waste. My perfect solution is a giant tube that would vacuum the trash and propel it out into space. We already have significant amounts of wasted satellites orbiting the earth. We have a fancy name for this kind of trash, and it’s called space junk.

Suppose: once in a while, you’re on your farm late at night. Your old collie is wrapped up on the woven rug in the living room, and your old biddy wife has fallen asleep in her chair with the late night talk shows still playing. You decide to soak up some late night country air, light up a smoke, and as you exhale, you notice a giant burning ball haulin’ ass across the sky like fat people hearing news that Wendy’s is giving away Frosties. Upon inspecting your acre of ruined crops due to the fire ball skidding across them, you observe that this is a giant piece of metal, and that your hopes of finding Superman inside an alien meteor are probably not going to come true in this lifetime. The sticker on it says something in some language you can’t read, and you call the sheriff.

Now, as we all know, this type of shit only happens in Kansas, if it really happens at all. Sure, that astronaut’s tool belt went flying across England, but since the surface of the earth is 75% water, our chances of having actual damage from space junk is minimal. So let’s develop a world wide vacuum that will launch our refuse to places more like Venus, where it will burn up before getting anywhere near the surface due to terribly noxious gases. No one has to deal with the consequences. You’re saying to yourself, wow, this sounds like a really great idea, you must have done really well in the class. On the contrary. I neglected to mention this was an art school where people were all “That’s just as bad as putting the trash in the earth, because it defiles the integrity of the space beauty.” Let me tell you something about space beauty. Space beauty is a lot like art school student beauty. The darker it gets, the more it resembles space’s infinite black expanses, and the darker it is in the bedroom, the more attractive the art student is. Did they have any suggestions for solutions to the problem? No, of course not. Everyone’s a critic.

-posted by samsquared

December 10, 2008 at 5:59 PM Leave a comment

Something to see, who’s comin’ with me?

Photo by Mike Mergen for the NY Times

Photo by Mike Mergen for the NY Times

There’s a little place in Philadelphia called the Rosenbach Museum. Now, I haven’t been there yet, although the women I e-mailed with was very cordial. You see, I was trying to get in to a members only event, Sendak on Sendak. No, I couldn’t come and have food and drink on the Rosenbach without being a member that night, but there were plenty of hours in which I could come and see the show. I sincerely hope you aren’t asking yourself who Sendak is, because you, my friend, are about to be a bandwagon fan. Oh yes, that’s right, with the advances in computer animation, a Where the Wild Things Are movie is going to be released that is going to be awesome. The only place to have a clip of this still is Gawker. It’s old, but still poignant news for the rest of you.

Get ahead of the times and get your copy of Where the Wild Things Are. If you lost it over the years, invest in the book, because those stocks are going to go up come next year. In spirit of awesome artists whose work appealed to me as a kid, here are some more artists you may have forgotten about:
My numero uno over the years was Keith Harring. Just look at that picture, if he came back today he would be the hugest hit with the hipsters at Urban. His work was fun and being that we came from the same town, he was a hero to me. He was taken too early by AIDS. He still has an awesome store in NYC, and I recently saw a great heavy book that provided a collection of his life’s work. He also made a children’s book or two that I own and love, called Nina’s Book of Little Things. This is a book for you to paste little things into, a sort of guided sketchbook for kids just getting started. (I’m in my twenties and still getting started, lay off the young.)

Chris Van Allsburg was insane (and I believe under the influence of an
earlier form of aderol, or maybe just a really smart brain). Everyone
liked him when we were little, although his work has been forgotten by
most people who don’t have a child. All of his books have some serious
dark humor to them, almost as Charles Adams does, but with much more
subtlety.

Which brings us to Charles Adams, and I swear my friend was raised by
invisible friends who were all characters of Charles Adams’ twisted
world. We can also thank that man for his heavy influence on Tim
Burton as Burton himself created a large part of our childhoods with A
Nightmare Before Christmas and books like Melancholy Death of Oyster
Boy and Other Stories.

Please add your favorite youngster types. Get on Shel Silverstein and comics. Archie? Anyone? Bueller?

-posted by samsquared

December 10, 2008 at 5:59 AM Leave a comment


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