Affirmation Station: Vampire Liars

March 26, 2009 at 6:29 PM 1 comment

mmm, blood and glitter

mmm, blood and glitter and man rings

As promised, I will do my best to affirm things for the readers out there. (I know, I’m almost as surprised as you are that we have readers!) Moving on, my friend Tony asked me to speak on the subject of those pretending to be Vampires. Ah yes, less known about than the Fury community, we’ll call this group the Fampires. (Fake Vampires)

I can has silly hat?

I can has silly hat?

If you would like to see these idiots in their natural habitat, may I make some recommendations? Travel to the dirtiest, trashiest mall in the area, but they should have a Hot Topic. This is like the corner bodega to the Fampires, if a facial piercing falls out, they’ll need a replacement pretty quickly. They can also access the freshest black t-shirts with bad graphics and hair dye. It’s a one stop shop for these losers. Also, the glass they use on the skylights in malls is sealed with a special magic, that allows these fake vampires to not be burned by the sun. Now don’t piss them off, its well known that these fake vampires also have spirit familiars. Oh, not familiar with the spirit familiar? Think of the hardest, most gothic animal you can think of. That’s your spirit animal, and it follows you and does your bidding. Fampires love to have wolf familiars, they will talk about what this made up creature has been doing all day and compare notes.

Now, people pretending to be vampires have existed for quite some time. I’ve known about them since I was 13, which is a prime age to find yourself hanging out at the mall and learning about those who are dedicated to being a vampire. Part of the problem is that these people think vampires actually exist. Seriously? Well, these people didn’t get the memo, they do not exist.

why am I famous?

how can I look more like a Vampire?

And now we have this Twilight crap, which I’m pretty sure is a Harry Potter-like craze, only Harry Potter went blond and started sucking everyone’s blood. This is going to make Fampires all the more abundant. I mean, everyone loves giving hickies in high school, so I can sort of see the allure. However, pretending to be a vampire is not a solid move. You know why? Because it’s pretend! You are not actually a vampire, you will not live forever, and you can’t convince me that you drink blood for kicks. Besides, being pale is not that cool, I should know, I’m a real day-walker.

must have: myspace fang shot

must have: myspace fang shot

So do us all a favor, turn off the shitty gothic music,  take out the platic teeth, and take off the damn make-up. Fampires equalling the suck: affirmed.

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

I Got Dance in My Pants Self-indulgence is the new black

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Sabrina  |  March 26, 2009 at 9:46 PM

    ummm I know it’s crazy, but I’m currently reading twilight (which i’m guessing is where you got some of your inspiration for this btw) but it’s pretty good, i’ve read like 100 pages in two days… but pretending to be a vampire is just stupid… almost as bad as pretending to be a wizard like harry potter fans…. write a blog on that pleaseeee lol

    Reply

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