Bromantic Comedies

bromance original recipe

Unless you have been under a rock, you may have heard the word Bromance being thrown around. For those of you who may be confused by the abstract idea, it involves two guys, probably between the ages of 16 and 36, who have a best friends forever  type of relationship. This friendship can also deter women from getting involved with either guy, since he’s already in a monogomous relationship with his BFF, thus, Bromance.

summer lovin': happened so fast

I watched The Wackness yesterday. Ben Kingsley plays a perv, and pervs Mary Kate Olson, and does a lot of pharmaceutical drugs to early 1990s rap jams.  I especially enjoyed the parts that make fun of the inadequacies of high school guys in the bedroom. Anyway, I realized by the end of the movie, the two main characters shared a special summer Bromance in NYC in 1994. How cute.

Bromantic Comedies have been popular since before the word Bromance existed. Take Weird Science for example. This is especially interesting because they create a woman, who helps them eventually get other women. The whole premise of this is romantic in  that they solve their romance problems together. They would probably like my idea of a four way marriage. This comprises two men and two women. So when you get sick of one husband you can have another one, and it’s less responsibility for everyone involved. Plus in hard economic times like this, its better value for your money.

the right idea

If you aren’t up to the responsibility of a long-term Bromance, or even a summer Bromance, you could try just a weekend bender sort of thing. You should make sure your boss invites you to his sweet weekend house by the beach. When he accidentally dies the first day,  make hilarity ensue with your bromantic counterpart by pretending your boss is still alive. Instant memories.

it's such a perfect day, I'm glad I spent it with you

So I guess all I’m getting at is if you want to make a really good movie, it should be based on a Bromantic story. This is a guranteed success, with males and females alike. Although, if you are lucky, it will only be popular with males, and you can make like, 100 more bros to share bromantic adventures and times with.

-posted by samsquared

Crazy Affirmation: Animal Conversations

Sadly, I didn’t receive any requests for me to affirm anything for anyone this week. I would just like to say congratulations to all of you, for being so self-affirming. I’m proud of you. But the weekly post must be posted weekly, and so we press on. This week, I am going to address the phenomena of people who talk to animals. Those who are animaphonic (capable of speaking to animals) are a strange and mixed group.

Exhibit A:

I may or may not have view Dunston Checks In this week.  My point here is this. Some times talking to animals (usually monkeys who are robbers) can be hilarious. There are a slew of monkey movies out there that follow this framework, namely Monkey Trouble with a young, boyish Thora Birch and some more obscure movies like Funky Monkey, MVP: Most Valuable Primate, and MXP: Most Extreme Primate.

Exhibit B:

On the other hand, most people who talk to animals are a few marbles short, and you probably want to stay away. I also may or may not have seen a portion of a made for TV movie about Oliver Twist.Since most of you probably aren’t familiar with this version of Oliver Twist, in which a character named Fagin speaks to a crow in his rafters. He’s exceedingly creepy, and to drive the creepiness home, here’s a picture of Timothy Spall as Fagin in this movie. You may have seen him in Harry Potter: Prisoner of Azkaban, Lemony Snickets, or Sweeny Todd being additionally creepy.

Timothy Spall is a professional creeper

Exhibit C:

We also have the Wicked Witch of the West.Now this woman had all kinds of issues.  She may have spoke with monkeys, but they were flying monkeys.

everyone seems to be enjoying themselves here

If you haven’t at one point in your life wished for a legion of flying monkeys to do your bidding, you’re doing it all wrong. This is where the talking to monkeys thing stops being funny, and starts being freaky and sort of awesome. But I guess dressing in black and having green face doesn’t really get you too far, might as well embrace it.

Exhibit D:

Then we have the case of Alice in Wonderland. Ah yes, Wonderland. I still want to go here, and if talking to a OCD white rabbit with severe concerns about being punctual takes me there, I’ll talk to him. I’ll even sing him a song and dance. That is clearly the correct hole to fall down, even for all the troubles it causes her. Alice is simply one of those characters in a story who doesn’t understand how to make the best of a poor situation.

running so late, he forgot his pants

This goes for characters like Sara in the Labyrinth as well. Marry David Bowie, and his purple package. I don’t see the downside in the situation. He clearly states, “Forget about the baby.”  Win, win.

Okay. With all the evidence before us, I feel it’s safe to make our affirmation. I would like to affirm that its pefectly acceptable to talk with animals under a few conditions. It can be that it is hilarious. Its always good to do things for a laugh. It’s also acceptable if the animals understand you and do your bidding. Lastly, I find it acceptable to talk to the animals if it is going to be beneficial to you. (i.e. becoming Goblin Queen/wife of David Bowie) Never fail to be an oppourtunist. The only way talking to animals isn’t okay is if you are really crazy and creepy, or if someone is going to see you doing this and have you comitted. Now go make some friends, I’m sure there’s some pigeons or squirrels near by.

-posted by samsquared

What time is it?

I’ve already gotten used to the idea my blog might cause some ruckus amongst my friends. Either because they sincerely disagree, think I am being too much of an ignoramus, or just to play Devil’s advocate. Recently, I noted people get very heated over Kevin Smith movies. Mostly because I refuse to acknowledge that Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back is crap. I believe that the part in the end in which they attend a Morris Day &  the Time concert in which everyone is dancing to Jungle Love really embodies everything life should be, could be and more. And thus, makes up for the crap that may or may not precede it. I wish life was more like Morris Day & the Time.

yes, more key-tars! more gold suits! MORE DANCING!

So this past weekend, we watched Purple Rain for Valentine’s Day. Who could ask for a better date than a date with Prince and Appolonia. I’m not going to discuss the details of the movie, most of you are already familiar with it. However, what’s important here is the movie trailer included with the DVD of Purple Rain, Graffiti Bridge. Here, enlighten yourself.

My favorite part about not having seen Graffiti Bridge yet, is that I can read the Netflix user comments and half care. One user said Prince must have been using the same stylist as Michael Jackson at this time, and I laughed, and agreed. Nothing like some sexy pasty men who know how to use a hair straightener. Oh wait, those are emo kids.

sorry to frighten you all

he's thinking he went wrong here, he's right

There’s really not much Prince has done wrong in his life. So I can excuse him for the bad hair, and other bad decisions probably involved in this movie. Some who find themselves jealous question his sexuality, but that’s okay, but Prince definitely knows he likes women and gets plenty of them, so this is a non-issue. Prince still rules, and always will. If you are unsure of that, there’s always this, (and thanks to Steve for sending this over):

you want some segway, bitches?

Even in frilly shirts, velvet pants, and high heels, he’ll kick your ass.

-posted by samsquared

Sam on Wire

Sometimes I’m sitting around, around my friends, and I think to myself, “Wow, I’m really lucky I know these people, they are really interesting and fun. They never fail to surprise me.” I have friends of mine to thank for these posts, because they surprised me with something fun and awesome. Last week it was tight-rope walking.

that high up? no thank you.

Not everyone rushes out to see little french men running across a tight-rope, or to see a french-language film. I am not one of those people. If the movie is in french, its enough to make me run out and see it. The last foreign film I saw in the theatre was Man on Wire. We have a ginger man, who is very animated, and very good at story telling (wow, kind of sounds like me, only I’m not a man). He desires to walk between the World Trade Center towers, and does so while they are still in construction. Despite this being a documentary, it’s very much like an action film, leaving you filled with suspense and wonder. Thus, I was enchanted with the idea, but I have a fear of heights, so this kind of walking was not in my future.

My friends have installed a slack line in their loft. One of my new friends is from California, and normally can’t stand the bitter cold of Philadelphia. (Although, we are enjoying a very nice warm spring-like week here currently). Next thing I knew, and my ambition knew, was that I was attempting to walk on the line several times with my barefeet. It’s with the utmost conviction you overcome the physical challenge of aligning your body straight, to balance yourself and be unaffected by the inevitable falls of a first timer. Here’s where I would post a picture of people slack lining, but apparently it’s really popular with hippies and people who don’t wash their hair. We are not those people, and I won’t post dirty hippies on my blog. So here you have some feet:

© All rights reserved. sun heefairee at Flickr.com

I also would recommend drinkin’ some beers. You are going to fall a lot. If you live in the cold and decide to do this inside, putting some mats down might be better than landing on the hardwood floor, or whatever other hard surface you may have in your large space for tight rope walking. Otherwise, just wait til it gets warm. I hear landing on the grass is easier, but I’m trying to get hard, so I’ll take the rough landing. Happy Circusing!

-posted by samsquared

Vince Offer’d

By now, I sincerely hope most of you have become familiar with the infomercials Slap Chop and Sham Wow. Infamous for coming up with classic one liners, like “You’re going to love my nuts,” and “You know the Germans always make good stuff,” Vince Offer has enchanted not only the internet blogging community, but the television shoppers simultaneously.

It turns out that Vince is a multi-talented human being. I’m not referring to the fact that he can wear a head-set and demonstrate a product simultaneously, but that he has written and directed a movie titled The Underground Comedy Movie. I owe a serious thank you to my friend Dylan for bringing this to my attention, and subsequently, your attention as well. This movie was made by Vince, and was a bigger budget realization of a public access show he helped to create in L.A. in the late 80s and early 90s. What follows here is a spoof of California Girls performed by David Lee Roth. At least that is my estimation.

This movie is absolutely as bad as you can imagine it is. Despite promising appearances by Slash and that big Black dude from Green Mile, a soundtrack full of punk classics, as well as Vince Offer’s terrible singing, you are still pained by the hour and a half that the movies plays.  It’s crude, and absurd, both things that would normally cause me to proclaim deep love for a movie and have no other master. Vince, your fame has come via the infomercial. Despite your problems with the Scientology Nation and There’s Something about Mary, your fame has finally come! Enjoy the 15 minutes, although by this point, you probably only have five left.

-posted by samsquared

I got smacked with awesome

This is a follow up to the awesome performance by the Boss last night. He still has it. It could be that he’s married to a redhead, I hear that keeps you young, vibrant, vivacious, and youthful. I’ve mentioned before that being a rocker was a previous dream of mine. I still haven’t let the dream go in some ways. I was rocking out to some Joan Jett the other night. I was not giving a shit about my reputation, and considering new leather jacket options, when I came across a new way to be a bitchin’ rocker chick. Little did you know, all it takes is a song written by the Boss and some Michael J. Fox!

Look at this movie! Bathe in the soft glow that is the 80s, emanating from the photo of the VHS tape cover. I’m excused from not seeing this sooner, as I was only two years old at the time of release. After making this discovery, I went right for my Netflix. I was going to see this movie as soon as humanly possible. Wrong. This movie did not only not exist on Netflix, it also isn’t included on the list of films Michael J. Fox is in. Heresy!

So I was forced to hit the whore of the internet, YouTube. It’s well known that Michael J. Fox is awesome on all sorts of levels, but I did question his ability to be a convincing front man of a rock band, despite some scenes in Back to the Future. It’s much easier to be a fake rocker these days thanks to the likes of Rock Band and Guitar Hero. Let’s see how Marty holds up..

First of all, you can barely see his head over the crowd! Whoever was operating that camera clearly has no idea how angles work, or has a secret vendetta for Marty. That’s understandable, I’m sure he was the envy of lots of men back then. And they rep Cleveland?? No wonder only half the crowd is listening. It’s good news for him that Joan shows up, and just in time to do some mirror-mullet action at the mic. And if this is the anchor of the movie, the song you splurged on having Springsteen write, why the hell are you rolling the credits over half the screen?

In other secrets, Trent Reznor also makes an appearance in the movie in a synth band covering a Buddy Holly song. How about that?

-posted by samsquared

Moobies!

Mooby

I haven’t been the only person to notice that the movies out in theatres leave a lot to be desired. For example, better movies. Now, I don’t consider the limited release award winning movies playing at selected theatres part of the crud that is out there. I also don’t usually get all huffy about what movie is number one from week to week. The last movie I remember noting for it’s box office returns was Madagascar 2. If you weren’t excited for this movie to come out along with the rest of America: number 1, you aren’t American, and number 2, you clearly haven’t seen this!

And I enjoyed this for a year or so, before realizing the pure genius behind this character is none other than Sasha Baron Cohen. I could care less about Borat, and the success of that movie. However, at least it was entertaining, which brings me back to the point of this post. Paul Blart, Mall Cop?!?!??!? If someone understands why this has been wildly popular, enough to be more successful than Clint Eastwood’s last appearance on the big screen ever, I would love to be enlightened.

When first viewing the terrible trailer for Paul Blart, I was taken back to another time in my life. A time when I was more like Paul Blart, I worked at a mall. I actually was more experienced than Paul Blart, as I worked at two different malls. The second mall used to be the largest mall in America, before the Mall of America was built in Minnesota, the King of Prussia Mall in Pennsylvnia. If that sounds rich to you, it’s because most of the people who shop there are, terribly rich that is. This is a fancy mall, with fancy stores, jewelry stores that are only open by appointment. Stores with doorbells. While, we’re dropping the Minnesota references: you should be familiar with doorbell stores from Mighty Ducks 2. (see 6:00 minutes in)

One day while walking through the mall, on an average day to work, a large shadow silenty flew past me. By the time I gathered my senses, I realized that it was a mall-cop (or mall security guard, I think mall-cop has a more negative connotation). Not just any mall-cop, but one that was speeded along by his use of a Segway. Yes, Segways are quite hysterical. I’ve even noticed Police pimping out Segways Xhibit style for patrolling use, too. How are these going to help you patrol? Will they help you catch thieves? Obviously not, the Segway Security was unable to catch a man who ran out of the mall with a ring worth $300,000.

If you ever have several hours to waste, I highly recommend wasting them on the hours of footage YouTube provides on the subject of Segway crashes. I mostly have the ingenious (but sadly canceled) show of Arrested Development to thank for introducing me to the stupidity of technology known as Segways, and how to laugh at it. Upon viewing the garbage of a trailer, showing Paul Blart maneuvering on a Segway, I was unconvinced that this was comedy. But why? So many possibilities! Let me tell you.

Harry Potter rip-off Blart

I had been able to keep Kevin James out of my thought process up until this point in my life. Suddenly I saw this comedian, enjoying his mild popularity and celebrity, using his success funds to spend a Saturday shopping in a mall. He must have had a stroke of genius when he noticed the mall-cops riding their Segways, and decided it would make an excellent comedic film. I would love to be able to say that he was wrong, and that this was a terrible failure. I would  love to suggest that this was an awful idea! I can’t though, you know why? Because that movie made almost 40 million dollars its opening weekend. What?!?! I can’t believe this junk is a hit. There are funny stories and happenings at the mall, I would know from experience. Mall-cops are not one of these things, even if they are riding Segways. Not to mention, Mall Rats could never be outdone. Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

With the exception of Gran Torino, lets take a look at the other garbage currently in the movies. We have the Notorious movie, which caused multiple incidents of violence at several theatre locations over the weekend. We additionally have My Bloody Valentine, no, not the excellent band of the same name, but some shiteous horror movie. It has been suggested that because these movies were both rated R, and that the under 17 have nothing better to do on the weekend, the teenagers paid to see Paul Blart this weekend, but probably just snuck into these movies. Yes, these movies suck too, but I would see either of these over experiencing the pain of a movie based on mall-cops, or watching a movie with Kevin James. Russ said that he doesn’t mind Kevin James’ stand-up. Enjoy Kevin James then, you and the rest of whoever is watching that crap. I’ll save myself for Daniel Craig movies, at least he’s worth looking at, even if the movie turns out bad. Oh, and Harry Potter.

-posted by samsquared